i havent blogged in a while. and usually thats a good thing. it means im so preoccupied with something school work life, that i simply have no time to sit around and comtempla[p'e\ (contemplate.) btw that was audree running all over my laptop, im sure she says hi. maybe thats her way of telling me to stop blogging, because i do have better things to do. but why do i force myself to record such thoughts. the stressful ones cuz right now im not exactly content. im not appreciative, thankful, and admittedly so full of regret. i dont know why, though. i hate blogs like these. with no ultimate goal of ........ fuck this im just gonna be honest.

i sit and spend hours trying to figure out how to say what i really feel and have that appeal to an audience without giving away so much as a minute detail about how im really affected. but today im over that. because i cant try to describe the confusion i feel, the hurt i deal with when i try to believe otherwise, and the situations that cause me to act so. the truth is, im not over him. and i dont know why. i really dont know why. thats the saddest part. when you love someone, or have loved someone for more than 2 years, you should know why you love them. i guess i used to know. we made lists of why we loved each other so when the day came and we had doubts, we wouldnt forget. since that day in march when those lists were ripped apart, i guess you could say i just forgot. i knew he loved me too for the time being. i also wonder why now he acts like we never existed. i wonder how can you love someone, like truly love a person and then want absolutely nothing to do with him. i wonder how can i tell someone i never want to see or talk to him for the rest of my life, then call him the next day to say i miss him. why do people do that? am i fucking crazy. or weak? Weakness has always been an issue of question for me. what is the definition of weakness and who really is the weaker? i knew i possess strength within though. it permeated so srongly int hese past couple weeks, i feel almost as if i expensed it all too quickly. and now im stuck in a rut. ive dug myself ever deeper into a hole where im doubting myself, my capabilities. its all too complicated, even for me. and like hes probably said and told everyone around him in hopes of gathering sympathy, im quite the complicated girl. or maybe he just needs to grow up. maybe hes just a little boy looking for a little girl to play with. and when youre a child, you treat your toys and playmates in two fashions. some you meet, get attached with and play with for a day at the dentist office, moving on in an hour and forgetting watever memory you had. the other, you treasure so deeply like a security blanket, going nowhere without it and cherishing it for years to come. for this boy, i may have been both. and now i am neither. and i dont know what to do with that.

how do lines filled with pleasure, hate, pain and suffer.. measure treasure filled memories, death in our own awake? smiling back like sunshine on lake waters. slowly drifting farther to the edge of earth. this planet with no definite spin, scientist proclaim they comprehend within. yet they cant define love. simple in its task, and is it really so much to ask? high demand, youd think with economies of scale, supply would rise as well. but recession causes me to hurt. cuz not everyone can love with so much passion. not everyone can die in such simple fashion. reactions cause action and ideals of cause and effect are skewed. my basis of what seems right is misused. diffused is calmness, anger erupts. volcanoes scream to the top of their lungs. silence reawakes, and voices out what my chest can't take. my wrists fake life. my neck craves knife. my throat exposed to the threat of deceit. to possibilities that can no longer include me. prisoner in best company. maybe i can be free. and maybe with your offerings. ill pick and choose, like i know i should. a woman craving man. i could be more than just that today. and tomorrow in another land.

most unproductive day of my life. and yet i managed to achieve the only goal I've been meaning to accomplish these past couple days/weeks. with one exception. but I'm okay with that. Progress is taking things one step at a time. and sooner or later, maybe even tomorrow ill figure it all out. And maybe i wont be so drawn to negativity. he's right. why do i do it? if something brings me down, what is in me that deems myself the role to fix things or make things better. I'm not God. Lord knows it, and He is probably upset with me for trying to fix things on my own. And who am i trying to fix things for? myself? surely not. i know where my mistakes have brought me. I don't believe I'm fixing things for others, when people involved don't even want things fixed. So that draws the conclusion that I seem to be doing this for absolutely no one. this is the logic behind realizing you are wasting time.